Pinewood Derby

For many basketball players, the bench is a nightmare, a hoops limbo which coach throws you into because you turned the ball over or bricked a shot. It’s punishment, exile, proof positive that the man with the clipboard doesn’t think you belong on the court at that moment. The bench can crush egos, poison relationships, and force trades. Allen Iverson recently said he’d rather retire than come off the bench.

But that’s just for many basketball players. Not all. For some, the bench is the best seat in the house. In fact, have you ever wondered why they bother with cheerleaders at basketball games? When they aren’t dancing during time outs, they’re kneeling behind the cameramen, desultorily rattling their pom poms. Well, there’s a reason the girls aren’t doing much: all the cheerleading happens on the bench. Meet J.J. Hickson:

Hickson is a rookie out of NC State. In his time on the court, he’s shown an aptitude for crashing the glass and scoring from in close. That’s about all the scouting report’s got. For his off-court performance, much more can be said. Whenever there’s a dunk, J.J. is the first man to leap off the bench and start dancing. When LeBron drains a 33 footer to beat the buzzer, there’s J.J. scrambling for the chest bump like it’s a loose ball. Remember when LeBron hung 55 on the Bucks? Go ahead and relive it, but this time, keep an eye on the bench. They’re going berserk, especially at 1:55:

And why wouldn’t they? LeBron’s a spectacle, the kind of player you can’t not watch. And it’s starting to irritate me. But more on that later.

Another team with a gob-smacking superstar, Kobe Bryant, has a similarly active bench. But they’ve got a different flavor. While the Cavs bench are mostly disciples of James, hailing his majesty, the Lakers bench gets most excited when a scrub does something amazing in garbage time. Two samples, both worth your while — the Shannon Brown monster swat on Mario West, and Sasha Vujacic’s recent cram on the Kings. Keep an eye on the bench, again, especially a minute into the first video:

There’s a different feel to the bench reaction, and I think that can be credited to Kobe. The Lakers jump up when somebody gets embarrassed. It’s got the same sneer to it you can see on Kobe’s face after every and 1. The Lakers starters so thoroughly pasted the opponent’s first unit, why shouldn’t they sit back and enjoy the show?

But that brings me back to the Cavs. I was watching a highlight last night, of the Wiz v. Cavs games. This was a revenge game for the Cavaliers, who dropped one to the Wizards about a week ago. The best team in the league performed as expected, and soon Mike Brown unleashed the force that is Boobie. Gibson. Anyway, Boobie gets to the rim and finishes at the 1:45 mark. Start there. See Bron pogo off the bench? Once the rout is on, Ben Wallace throws one down at 2 minutes. That’s when LeBron leaps off the bench, kicks a leg in the air, and drops to one knee, where he starts windmilling an air guitar.

This is one more example of “fun-loving” LeBron, which has cropped up more and more of late. The Cavs have devised ever more elaborate pre-game rituals, including the Mo Williams home run, or the group portrait. (What do you want to bet JJ Hickson gets more excited for this than the actual game?) King James is more like the clown prince, these days, and it’s becoming distracting; for a dude as egomaniacal as James, these antics feel like a grab for attention, like that kid in 4th grade who just wanted somebody to look at him. Is this any way for the best player in the game to be behaving? Irksome as they are, at least the Celtics are appropriately professional. The Cavs are treating it like it’s an intramural game. I don’t mean to be puritanical about it — the game’s out of hand, why not cheer your guys? But the pre-game stuff sets the wrong tone, especially if you’re a team serious about winning a championship. I doubt you can get that competitive snarl going if you’re pantomiming vacation shots before the tip.

I wonder if they’ll be taking pictures of each other before Game 7 of a playoff series. Probably not a good idea, especially if you want the real photographers to be taking pictures of you, pictures like this: